Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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