my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize