At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
