I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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