no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
