Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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