Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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