he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
