Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
