Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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