I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
