Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
