Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
