I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
