I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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