Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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