You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
