her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
