I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
