Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
