i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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