There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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