i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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