are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
