The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
