You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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