apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize