dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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