I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
