Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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