Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize