I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
