You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
