where am i from again
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
