There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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