She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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