I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
