I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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