Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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