Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
