She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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