hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
