Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
