I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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