**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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