she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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