My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
