They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
