well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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