I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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