12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
