Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize