Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
