So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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