Me too!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
