If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
