my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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