I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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