Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
