He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
