my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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