i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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