I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
